What are the causes of jealousy?

Jealousy is the emotional expression of fear and insecurity felt by a person at the prospect of losing his girlfriend because she might be interested (in some way or imagined) to another person. All naturally and spontaneously, to a greater or lower intensity, we have been jealous at some point in our lives. Jealousy in small doses can be considered normal in a relationship if the person who feels fails to lose control. Jealousy can lead us to reflect on how important it is for us our relationship and remind us to take care of. Or, reciprocally, see our jealous partner can make us feel loved, important and needed. Some even think the absolute absence of jealousy may be indicative of a lack of interest in the couple.

He is having had a jealous feeling at some point in our lives it is therefore normal. The problem arises when jealousy is very frequent, intense, exaggerated and appears constantly for no apparent reason, can become pathological. In this case, jealousy causes intense suffering in those who suffer and in your partner, since the continuous reproaches, arguments and demands end up weakening the relationship. As says Michel Montaigne, “jealousy is, of all diseases of the spirit, the one to which most things are food and no remedy”.

Causes of jealousy and keys to control

But what are the reasons why we feel jealousy? Can learn to control them? You are always jealous or can this change following a life experience? Let’s reflect on these questions by analyzing a number of key points about jealousy:

1. Possessiveness towards our partner

→ “You belong to me, you are mine”

We must be clear that people do not belong to anyone; we are all individual beings and even if that person maintains a bond with us voluntarily, is not “yours.” For that reason, we should not try to exercise control over our partner changing its dress, though it may seem provocative, nor your way of being and behaving. Hogging all your attention or avoiding that relates to your friends or family, we will only make our partner feel imprisoned and happen the opposite of what we want: losing a loved one.

Trust is therefore essential in a relationship, so we should avoid making a police interrogation of all that you did when you have not been with us intending to catch yourself in contradictions, as our partner can avoid giving information for fear fall on a new argument and not because I’m trying to lie. If we discover that you have not told us all increase our mistrust and suspicion, which will lead to the inference that also lies elsewhere. This will create a very difficult to break the vicious circle. So, try to talk normally with your partner so you will not feel threatened by your questions, and to be forced to hide or conceal your activities, thoughts and feelings, you end up moving away of you.

2. Uncontrollable fear of losing a loved one

→ “Without you I am nothing”

Occurs when living with an ongoing sense of fear of being cheated, abandoned or a third person appears and we snatch the couple. We can never be sure that the person we love remain with us a lifetime. If it were not so, and decides to leave, it will not take with our capacity to love. We are the ones we love and we will be able to find another person and want to fall in love. We must realize that our partner is not essential, that had a life before I met her and, in the same way, we can continue our daily but she is not.

Here in AnxietyReduction we recommend you to read another article: Anxiety is an emotional disorder that always heals.

3. Fear of loneliness

→ “When I’m alone, I feel sad and empty”

At other times, jealousy can come produced by the fear of being alone causing great distress at the loss of the other person. Many studies say that loneliness is one of the things that cause fear in humans. First we must be good about ourselves, married life comes later. In addition people can be happy without the need to have a partner. It is therefore essential that we foster our personal lives, hobbies and projects. The autonomy of a person and have our own plans means that there is less likelihood of jealousy since less dependent our partner. In addition, this will benefit the couple as they enjoy more intensely plans together.

4. Fear not finds another couple

→ “What if I cannot find anyone else who wants me?”

It is normal that in time, we accommodate to the tastes and interests of our partner. Think a change always carries a sense of insecurity, fear and anxiety, but this should not lead to despair thinking they will never find anyone else. Do not think that being single is a mandatory goal and, if not, is a personal failure. Having a partner is an option. And we must never force us to maintain a relationship that is already broken by this fear or the belief that love should be forever, so we’re just denying the possibility to meet another person who really happy .

5. Insecurities and low self-esteem

→ “I’m not your height”

Our insecurities make us think that we are not worth enough and that at any moment a third person may appear better qualities than yours and you own your partner pluck. This lack of self confidence will also lead to distrust the sincerity and affection of the other. He thinks no one “is better than” but “different” and that a relationship is based on the possibility of complement.

Remember that the problem of jealousy is within ourselves and we are only projecting our fears and insecurities in the person we are in love. Our partner is a stimulus and never the cause of what we feel, so you do not blame yourself. For example, at a very attractive couple, the jealous feel fear for the people who approached him even to blame your partner for attention: “if vastness well”, “if you were not so nice to people.” But a confident person feels proud of having such a beautiful beside couple and produces much admiration. When jealousy produced by cases like these, it is essential to work our self-esteem. To accept the love of our partner, it is essential to love yourself. We must avoid comparing ourselves with others, do not forget that no one is “better than” anybody and that our value judgments are based on the appearance and the image we perceive people. Surely if that person objectively analyzes naked eye as ‘wonderful’, we would see that it is not, which also has its own internal struggles and problems. Instead of thinking about things or qualities that we need, we must dedicate ourselves to strengthening the values and qualities that we possess and that will give us more confidence in ourselves.

Here in AnxietyReduction we recommend you to read another article about the best techniques to overcome an anxiety attack.

6. Previous situations of abandonment

→ “I have mocked me once, why should I trust now?”

The jealous individuals do not necessarily have to have had always jealousy. Some are caused by previous relationships in which there has been a situation of abandoned or a hoax. This will make us wary of widespread and develop a jealous personality. To remedy this, we need to think that our past is past. The fact that the previous relationship ended due to infidelity, does not mean that this new relationship will happen to us again the same. Do not forget that all people are not equal and our current partner is not worth paying for the mistakes made ​​by others.

7. Family lived experiences

→ “My father left us. All men are the same”

Chances are if you have witnessed scenes of jealousy between parents or have felt abandoned, have more willingness to be jealous and insecure that someone whose parents have had a stable relationship. In this case, we should not think about our past, we need not repeat the mistakes that our parents made ​​; indeed, we must use our existing experience to avoid the mistakes they made.

8. Imagination is a powerful weapon

→ “Do not we see today? Certainly left with someone”

We must not think evil of all unrealistic thinking or fantasizing or catastrophic situations. Given the facts we should always check the accuracy of the data we have and look logically consistent reasoning. Therefore, we must identify if there are reasonable grounds for jealousy and, if so, communicate them to the couple. Provided of course soothingly to understand clearly why we feel this way. It is knowing what happens in reality and if what we have perceived or not wrong. They also usually positive talk to someone in our environment that is trusted and tell him what is happening to us in order to have another point of view , and to hide and deny the suffering it causes is enhanced increasingly. Before jealousy, as with any problem or behavior change, the first step is to recognize and accept, in order to learn to manage our problem and therefore recover self. It is sometimes necessary to resort to professional foreign aid, working on individual sessions to address the causes that have led us to develop jealousy, or even a couple sessions to assess the degree to which was affected our relationship and try to fix it.

Here in AnxietyReduction we recommend you to read another article that you go with the truth is the best you can do in life.

9. Social networking and mobile easy control

→ “I know you’ve read my WhatsApp, but he did not answer me”

New technologies have become an ally to control our partners. The Smartphone  allow us to control the location of our partner, double check  the  WhatsApp  know if you have read the messages you have sent and his Facebook see what your friends know who puts comments on the wall or give “likes “their pictures. In this regard, and unfortunately, experts warn that the jealous behavior, a sense of ownership of the couple and violent behavior have increased among young people. The key to the turnaround is education. It is necessary to eradicate the possessive behavior, printing values ​​of equality in sex education. The concept of “love as sacrifice” is completely insane and produces imbalances between “giving” and “receiving” so there must be freedom, respect, confidence and independence that it is love and not possession.

10. Socially we ‘sell’ as love

→ “What happens is that I love you too”

Not so in reality although many songs and poems pretend we prove otherwise. We should not be captivated by the concept that “jealousy is a proof of love” that still prevails today, because, in fact, constitute a clear sign of insecurity.

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